Tonight I had this nervous panicky feeling that I really am infertile. I'm in my TWW and feel no different than I ever have before. (I did, however, have the worst stomachache of my life yesterday, but it only lasted about two hours). I feel like I will see AF in another week.
I've held out hope until now that I'm not truly infertile. I thought that we were just unlucky, that we were doing it wrong, that I could just relax and it would happen, that I could think/hope/wish it away. I thought that I was smarter than other people, that I could read all the books and make it happen. I could track my BBT, drink red raspberry tea, do acupuncture, take herbal medicines, use pre-seed, use a menstrual cup...etc...and I would be pregnant. But nothing...nada...zippo...
I've read some fantastic blogs about honest, funny, strong, loving women who just want to be mothers and I waited to start a blog until I felt like one of them. Yet still I felt like a fraud when I started this blog at the beginning of this year. I felt like an outsider that wanted to be a part of something...just incase I was infertile. This is a team that I don't want to be a part of. I want to stand on the sidelines and watch the game and cheer the other girls on. I still feel like I'm second string, just waiting to be called onto the field as a true infertile, but desperately hoping I get cut from the team.
What happens if I become pregnant in the next month or two? Am I then a fake infertile? I will never say it was easy. I will never say it happened right away. But will I be kicked out of this club if it happens in the next month or two? If I don't require medical treatment to conceive?
Side note: I have my blood work tomorrow? No one should have to get up in the morning before the sun rises.
I felt the same way a year ago. I started my blog after "only" 4 months of TTC... not b/c I thought I was truly IF, but ... I just wanted support. I feel like something was wrong (rightly so)... but after reading more and more stories, I was always afraid of not having suffered enough... of not having actively tried "long enough." Now, 18 months later, i PRAY that you are that person...that you get your BFP in the next month or two, that you get "kicked out of this club" in the next month or two... and honestly, if you are that blessed, JUST BY STARTING THIS BLOG you have already found friends, supporters, confidants... and even if you don't see that BFP as soon as we all hope, we will be there with you until you do.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't worry about labels. Everyone's journey is different. Some just take longer to get pregnant, some need medical intervention as simple as one medication, to the complexities of multiple ivf cycles. The spectrum of what "infertility" means is so large. What's the same is, you have been trying for a year and you know what it's like to wait, to hope, to be disappointed. These feelings unite us I think- not which treatments you've had, or how long you've been trying.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up hope- this could easily be your month! Don't pay any attention to the early pg signs posted on the internet- I've had them all and not been pregnant once ;) I hope your journey to a baby is easy, I really do
I don't know where the line is drawn. Three years of trying says our doctor. That goes for us as a couple since we are dealing with male infertility. Most things looks fine for me and a nurse even asked me during an ultrasound why they wanted me to go for IVF..
ReplyDeleteI truly hope you won't be needing any treatments, best wishes on the blood work!
My insurance company didn't call me "infertile" until we decided to do IVF and then the only used that definition so they didn't have to pay our bills :) I am suppoed to have "unexplained infertility" whatever that means. Don't worry about the labels- I love having you on the sidelines cheering me on!
ReplyDeleteI remember when I first thought something could be wrong, I browsed a few blogs and infertility forums, but it was all so foreign to me, and I thought "I NEVER want to do this". But, 8 months later I bit the bullet and joined a forum, and was shocked to see how much love, support, advice and encouragement there is in this 'infertility world'.
ReplyDeleteYou have the desire for a baby, and that's all that matters. No matter how long it takes, or how you get there, you're always welcome :)