Tuesday, March 22, 2011

When the butterfly emerges, does the caterpillar cease to exist?

Hello ICLWers for my TTC timeline you can click the tab above, for a quick update you can see this post from earlier this week. 

No I'm not pregnant, I'm just thinking about the future and here's what I came up with.

Are you still infertile if you go one to have a healthy pregnancy that produces a child?

I think so, I don't think the mind and body can ever forget infertility. I think those women who do move on continue to understand the plight of those who are waiting for their BFP. But most of all, I think those who are still waiting should rejoice with those who have succeeded instead of drowning in their continued struggle. After so many 2 week waits, those women are now in their 9 month wait and a continued state of fear. For most of us will hopefully move on and have the same success.

So many women in our little blogosphere struggle to conceive but then do move on to have a successful pregnancy. Initially, most seem to internally debate between their desire to blog about their success and the experiences that come with that success without sounding like they are complaining or aren't grateful. They are still infertile! They know what it feels like to be left behind other side waiting for a BFP and seeing others move on into pregnancy and parenting. They, however, still need to vent.

My personal opinion is that this is my space. This is where I get to be myself and talk about my life and my experiences. When my BFP comes, I hope that those who have been following me can rejoice with me. I also hope that they can empathize even though they may not be able to sympathize if they haven't gone through it themselves. I have no qualms about following and commenting on those blogs who's writers have moved on into pregnancy and parenting. I hope you all can help me cope with the morning sickness and all the other side effects as well as the craziness that comes with having a newborn.

Have you all seen the movie Cider House Rules based on the novel by the same name written by John Irving?

If not, then let me summarize it a little for you so that I can get to my analogy (it came to me in the shower one morning and I thought it would make a good post, but it can't stand on it's own).

There is a doctor in a rural town during a time when abortions were illegal. He performs these illegal abortions but also runs an orphanage for the unwanted children who are born and left there. Tobey Maguire is one such orphan and the leading role in the movie. His character comes of age and leaves the orphanage to work in a cider house only to end up returning to the orphanage to take over for the original doctor, he has been training for this position his whole life even though he never goes to medical school. Although, the movie has the side stories of abortions, orphans and adoptions I'd like to make a slightly different point then you likely expect.

At one point in the movie, one of the children from the orphanage gets adopted. The doctor and the orphans have their traditions, one of which is to help the children who remain cope after one of their friend's has left. He has those who remain wish those who have been adopted well in their new lives, he tells them "Be happy for him, he has found a home." They then all say goodnight/goodbye to the one who has left.

To all of you who I have followed who have gotten pregnant, I am happy for you, you have found your new life. Instead of saying goodbye, I will say congratulations!

To those of you who are still waiting with me, I hope you will be happy for me when I find my new life. I hope you will continue to follow me and comment on occasion and can congratulate me.


  1. Very nicely said. I loved that movie, and the book was even better. But it is true, when I first started this blog, it was hard for me to read stories of women who were already on the other side. I chose to look for women who were still trying. Those I managed to get to know a bit before they got there though, well, I couldn't imagine not being thrilled for them (despite the fact that I SO wish to join them!!) I look at these sucesses as signs of hope that my dream is possible.

  2. I agree...it's such a complicated thing when an IF gets pregnant. But once an IFer, always an IFer and I believe that no one ever forgets what this experience is like, and therefore, always needs our support and love, even if we aren't at the same stage as them.

    I will be congratulating you SOON on your BFP, I just know it :)

  3. I love you for writing this! Thank you for continuing to comment and follow my blog after my BFP and I hope you know that I will be here now and after you get your BFP.

  4. Well said!

    Once an IFer, always and IFer...

    However, I try really hard to feel joy for those that get their BFPs, and I agree, when I get mine, I'm definitely posting about everything to do with it. It's each of our personal spaces after all!

  5. I completely get this. I totally believe once you are in the infertile club you're always part of it. I was and still am an IFer and I still continue to struggle with it now that we are ttc#2. It never goes away, it's just what you do with it that matters, and supporting others, being their cheerleaders when their happy days come is part of that. Happy ICLW!


  6. Heh. I've seen enough people who turn into complete pregnant/mommy smug asshole morons that I can promise you that not *everyone* is semper fi. Sure, most are; definitely not all.

    I'll also say that the outlook you express here goes in circles. Are you cycling? Did you just fail IVF? Did you just have your bazillionth miscarriage? Did your RE just tell you to give up on the hope of ever having natural children? Did you just get a terminal prenatal diagnosis? There are so many things that can change just how one reacts to pregnancy news and how much one wants to participate in the pregnancies of others.

    You're correct in that everyone's blog is his/her own space to talk about whatever they want to talk about. And those who come to read have come to read specifically about that person, no one has forced them to. But likewise, everyone else's space is the comments section, and they can comment or not comment; and more often than not, as a healthy pregnancy progresses, the comments become fewer and fewer. Is it fair? Is it right? Is it friendship? I don't know, but it's the name of the game. I personally have online friends who are pregnant, whose blogs I don't really know what comments to leave anymore, but with whom I remain in close contact via email, Facebook, phone, etc. But the God's honest truth is, I don't have much input on a blog post about morning sickness.

  7. I'm still at the point where I am so happy to hear of BFP's, especially when it is someone who has been trying for awhile; however, I wonder if I'll feel the same way in another year....I'd like to think so, but I don't really know.

  8. I had two children before we had our long battle against secondary infertility/repeat pregnancy loss and were were lucky enough to make it through and have our post infertility miracle. And, you are right. Infertility leaves and indelible stain on your heart and soul. It is a part of you forever.

    ICLW #36

  9. Very nice written. I get though that it's too painful for some that has struggled for a long time to keep on reading when a BFP shows up.

    It comes and goes for me when the frustration of yet another uncertain waiting game comes around. And I don't know my reaction if the coming IVF-cycles would fail us time and time again. With that said, I would also understand if someone chooses not to keep up with my blog if I am lucky enough to take home the price.

  10. I have been neglecting my blog lately as I just don't know what to write about anymore and don't want to rub salt in the wounds of my friends who are still trying. It took me three years and three IVF cycles to conceive and I used to blog several times a week and was today shocked to realise I had let that drop to only 4 blog posts in the last month . . . I will never forget my IF struggles and continue to support those who are still on the journey to their BFP's. I have however noticed my readership has decreased since I got my BFP and I get alot less comments now. But you know what? I do understand. We all have times when it is difficult to read about people's success when we are still struggling but being pregnant after IF can actually be quite an isolating experience as well as you don't quite fit in anywhere so I loved this post.

    Thanks for visiting my blog! I'm now a new follower and wishing you all the best!


If you can relate to this post or have an opinion about it, please leave a comment.

I do read everyone of them and look forward to hearing what you have to say.