My Straw-babies

I finally got around to taking a picture of my garden and it's finally starting to produce. Of course it is happening the weekend we won't be around, but maybe somethings will still be good next Tuesday night.

I picked my first Strawberries last night.

Granted they are a little small and a little pathetic, but I grew them!!! I didn't kill the plants and they actually grew something, I know I'm surprised!!!

We're headed to Colorado Springs for the long weekend, I took Friday and Tuesday off. Hopefully it'll speed up the 2WW. This 2WW is a little different for me, I'm having some cramping and my BBT is so flat at 5 dpo although my temperature did rise. Maybe it's a good sign.

The Infertile Knitter

So I've been spending time during my 2WW knitting.

This sort of feels like a confession, but I swear it's not that bad. I've been knitting hats and blankets.  But (I swear) they are for other people's kids. I'm not yet assembling a stockpile for my own future child.  I can see how quickly this could get out of hand though.

Mary's daughter got a purple plum hat (knitted from an apple hat pattern)...sorry the picture is blurry she wouldn't stop running around long enough for me to get a normal picture, but you get the point, she likes the hat. Now granted it's 107 degrees out daily, Mary keeps her house at a particularly cool temp-wise, so Junebug can wear it indoors now instead of waiting for the once yearly snow that we get.

Any knitters out there can find this pattern at: http://www.spudandchloe.com/blog/2009/10/apple-hat-free-pattern/

Also, my receptionist's daughter just had her 3rd baby today and I knitted a simple-eyelet hat for her (see, I can play nice with the fertiles). I started knitting on her due date a week ago and gave it to my receptionist yesterday, perfect timing. Her daughter gave birth to a little girl named Chloe today at 10:15-7lbs, 12 oz, 19 inches long and perfectly healthy as far as I know. This is my last day traveling to this office so I probably won't get to see her, or get to see pictures, all the better though from my infertile standpoint. So here's a pic of the hat, it's on a decorative ball I have at home which I thought would be perfectly baby-head sized.

Kniters out there can find the pattern at: http://20hatsproject.blogspot.com/2007/12/simple-hat-with-eyelets.html

Side note: 2WW started today, maybe I'll start another knitting project, maybe a blanket with a matching hat this time. Or maybe a pirate's hat for Mary's son.

I changed my mind...

...is that ok?

I've said in a previous post that I can follow infertile turned pregnancy blogs. This is still true of continuing to follow blogs of people who I followed for a while before they got pregnant. I truly am so excited for those girls who's stories I can relate to, to those who's journey I have followed with their ups and downs. Their success really feels like conquering infertility.

However, I can not continue to follow a blog I just started and they immediately become pregnant. I don't think this applies to any of my regular readers...but if it does and I stop following, I'm sorry in advance. As far as new blogs go, when they get their BFP, I'm just not interested, I'm not invested in their story and I simply don't care enough to make any sort of kind comments. They are just one more pregnant woman to me, not really an infertile who finally got her BFP.

Is this mean?

I don't think it is.

I sort of relate it to those of you who become pregnant, trying to relate back to those who still haven't gotten their BFP. If you followed their story, you want to see it through. They will become pregnant and you can cheer them on. But I can't imagine that you would start to follow someone's blog who is new to infertility.

2nd Second Opinion

So I didn't want to post about it until I was sure, but I scheduled a last minute appointment for a second opinion...er...third opinion. I am not that patient of a person, so there was no way I was waiting until September for an IUI.

So I had my appointment yesterday with a CPN who specializes in fertility in LC where I have been working a few days a week for the last several months. She was nice and I like her a lot. I'll admit, I did through my Dr. status weight around to get in ASAP. She was very knowledgeable and filled in the gaps in information I have gleaned from you guys and from the internet in general.

This is where we go two steps forward with one step back.


She suggested a little more bloodwork before we progress to IUIs. It seems as though she doubts some of the testing I've already had done and wants it repeated. She believes my TSH is under control now (mini-celebration on that one!!!) but she isn't sure I'm ovulating and is unsure about a LP defect. If you glance up top and view my BBT charts, she's apparently seeing something no one else does. However, my cycles do vary a bit and she just wants to double check.


If things are a go, I will have an IUI not next cycle, but the one after that, sometime in August I guess. If I'm not ovulating she is willing to try mildly medicated IUI cycles before doing dominant follicle studies with a triggered O IUI.


She reported the same IUI kit shortage as the other office, but they switched companies and have had a higher success rate with swim-up kits than any other kit they have ever used. They are however more expensive. But if you have to do one IUI at a higher cost with more likelyhood of success, I'd rather that than repeated IUIs with cheaper kits.


So, next on the list of things to do is a day 21 bloodwork (on the 4th of July, not sure how that will work) and then day 3 bloodwork.

On Backorder until September!!!!!!

 I just called the doc's office (the second and most recent doc) to find out whether or not the IUI kits they use, which were on backorder, came in early as I was told they wouldn't be in until July. Since AF just arrived, I thought maybe we could get an IUI this cycle, rather than next. His receptionist told me that they would be on backorder until September. I can't have an IUI until September!!!!!! Are they for serious?!?!?! Has anyone else heard of this?!?!?!

Freakin' kill me now!!! I can't wait that long!!!

How is hope still possible?

AF came today, and yes it sucks.

However, it has yet to be soul crushing for me. I didn't cry, in fact, I have never cried when I found out that a cycle was a bust. I somehow still hold out hope that it will happen for me naturally. I mean, I guess I still think it will happen that way since there is no obvious reason it shouldn't. I think I would be significantly more disappointed if my cycles were medically assisted in some way when they result in a BFN and AF.

It also helps that I realize gradually that she's coming. I have light cramps for a few days followed by a drop in BBT for a day or two. I can convince myself that I am pregnant from these signs but know in the back of my mind that I'm not. I guess that is one of the benefits to BBT-ing (because other wise it could easily make a person crazy). Although my 16 day LP tricked me into thinking this might be my month.

Only one more cycle before my first (and hopefully only) IUI.

Side Note: New BBT posted, check that page above to analyze it

First Dream...

 I had my first pregnancy/BFP dream a few nights ago. I'm nearing the end of my TWW and have tested on 10 dpo and 13 dpo with BFN's both times, I'm now 15 dpo. I'm not testing again. I'm feeling crampy and bloated and AF is due tomorrow. I think I'll wait it out.

...In my dream...
I woke up and decided to test, I usually pee before I remember to test, but this time I thought I'd get one out my last stick and check it out. I dipped it in the cup and it immediately showed two lines...I thought Yay!!!! Finally!!! But...I didn't really believe the results. Without waking H up, I ran to the front door and picked up the box of more tests that I had ordered, they had apparently been delivered overnight and were sitting outside. I tediously opened each one (about 50 or so) of the internet cheapies. Then I took a handful of the tests and dipped them all in the pee cup. I had it in my head that if one of them was negative than I was not pregnant, but if they were all positive then I was in fact pregnant. I pulled them all out after the required 5 seconds and lined them up on the edge of the tub. Before checking the results, I went back to wake H up to call him in to show him the results. Before I woke him up, I decided I was being a little crazy and should check the results before I woke him...however, on the way back to the bathroom, I woke up...my alarm went off.

First dream about a BFP.

Maybe this would be a creative way to tell H if it should ever actually happen. I do have only one stick left...but I haven't ordered more. Nor do I think Fe.d E.x delivers at night.

Take a wild guess!

I saw this in the parking lot a few weeks ago and never really gave it a second though. But today as I was passing I thought I'd take a picture and post it for you guys and make a little game of it. I bet you'll never guess the job title of the owner of this car. 

Hint: he works in the hospital about three floors above me.

Side note: I don't know if it's legal to take a picture of someone else's license plate.  Also, he has one of those license plate covers that deflects picture taking so that he can't get caught by the speed cameras. Hmmm....has someone been speeding around in their BMW?

I am a duck, hear me quack

In college I was in a sorority (don't judge, it's not what you think and if you were in one too, you know what I mean) and for a year I was on Panhe.llenic Council, the group of women who governs all of the sororities on campus. I was scholorship chair and my big thing was to put on an awards ceremony for the whole greek campus in the spring. As the year went spring to fall, my event came up pretty quickly and I was rush-rush-rushing around to get things done (my fraternity male co-counsel counterpart was less than helpful, but I did have a committee that helped a lot).  My job was not the only one that was easy most of the time and then just jumped right into craziness, so the mascot for Panhel.lenic counsel was a duck and it applied so well at the time. We looked all smooth and calm and collected on the surface, but underneath we were paddling like hell just to stay afloat!!!

That is exactly how I feel once again. With work and infertility I feel like I am just struggling to keep my head above water. Now I don't mean sinking into depression or considering giving up, I just mean that I struggle to keep my cool, collected demeanor. I get irritated and irrational very easy. Whenever someone talks to me about what I've been up to lately, I just want to unload all the details. My mouth has no off switch. There is so much to remember between herbs and appointments and what not that it is always on my mind. I can sit and stare at fertility friend for hours and analyze my BBTs and compare them to similar ones on the website.  I just assume that everyone else must be thinking about fertility too, maybe not my fertility, but just fertility in general. But just like anything else, they have their own lives and their own worries and they aren't thinking about me and my situation all the time, if ever. I have to remind myself of this sometimes.

My patient's will ask what I've been up to lately and I want to say "Well...I ovulated two days ago and am still pretty sure that I can't get knocked up naturally, so I'm waiting 2 more months until my doctor can do an IUI." I simply don't think my 80 year old patients care...and if they did, it would just be weird. I feel the same way about my co-workers, and although they might care because they sort of know what's going on, I don't think they need the nitty-gritty details. They may know I went to a Dr.'s appointment and likely what it was for, but I'm sure they don't want to hear "Well...at the last minute doc decided to swab my cervix to check my mucus so it was 'bottoms off and on the table' and before I knew it we were done and getting ready to schedule an IUI." I also realize that my friends, even the close ones are probably about done with hearing about it too. I find myself leaking details about my sex life and doctors appointments to friends who are either too polite to tell me I'm over-sharing, or are really good friends who listen and do care and genuinely want to help.

Overall, I really do feel like I'm still pulling it off, that I appear less frazzled than I am so....quack quack, consider me a duck...for now. Luckily no one's shooting at me or trying to eat me so I must be ok for now. But when the shit hits the fan, I'm hopeful that you guys will still care and hopefully want to hear (read) about it

Side note: Speaking of ducks, on a much less positive note I'm Just Ducky, Thanks found out after 12 weeks that both heartbeats were gone. Please stop over and show your support.

Which would you choose?

I went for my second opinion appointment today and it wasn't quite what I expected.

He doesn't dumb things down and but still explains things while staying on my level. He is also full of random useless facts, interesting enough though to someone who combs the internet for such info.

I couldn't get a copy of my records from the other office in time for the appointment, but it turns out that was ok. Somehow the two offices are both affiliated with the local hospital and because I had my b/w done there as well as HSG he has access to the records. I also took him copies of my BBTs and he said he hadn't looked that BBTs in years (GREAT...said sarcastically). The only thing we were missing was H's SA records from the VA.

I relayed an accurate account of my vag's history over the last year and half, and he agreed that 16-17 cycles was enough to assume nothing was going to happen naturally.

He then blindsided me by suggesting a laproscopy to have a look around inside. I must have had some crazy look on my face because he felt the need to justify it. He suggested that I might have endometriosis that is not showing any external signs. He also stated that it helps him (if the laproscopy is done during the LP) to see if an egg is actually extruded during ovulation (I guess they can get stuck). He indicated that he could also see if the fallopian tube was able to catch the egg (or those little finger things, whatever they're called). He either really knows what he's talking about or he's completely full of crap, I didn't even know that these things could be a problem!

I then asked if there was some less invasive next step we could take because I believe that EWCM production is my problem. So he agreed to take a look...right now...I was less than...ahem...prepared, but nonetheless climbed on the table spread eagle. He took a sample of my CM and swabbed it on a glass slide and left to look at it under the microscope. He came back to report that he agreed!!! YAY!!! That underproduction of CM might be the problem. (I forgot to mention that he first told me that cryosurgery couldn't contribute to a change in CM production, bah...I was right again...I'm on a roll!!!)

He agreed that an IUI that would bypass the need for CM might be the next best step. However, he told me that the company that makes the majority of the IUI kits for the US recently went out of business and there was a national shortage. Has anyone else heard of this?!?!?! He said that he doesn't expect more kits until July. He did say that there was a way to use a centrifuge to do the same thing, but that he was out of practice on that method, I think I'll wait.

I guess that means finishing this cycle and another before anything happens. He said that he would call me when he knew more about what was going on. We'll see how that goes.

So next up on my list of things to do is a IUI + Clomid (low dosage for timing rather than causing ovulation).

Side note: New Doc told me that the IUI kit that they use removes all seminal fluid so that they can essentially introduce just sperm to the ute. I don't think he was suggesting it, but he said that they used to just put the semen directly into the ute, but that in some women it caused anaphylatic shock!! Um...no thanks...I'll wait for the kits to arrive.