In college I was in a sorority (don't judge, it's not what you think and if you were in one too, you know what I mean) and for a year I was on Panhe.llenic Council, the group of women who governs all of the sororities on campus. I was scholorship chair and my big thing was to put on an awards ceremony for the whole greek campus in the spring. As the year went spring to fall, my event came up pretty quickly and I was rush-rush-rushing around to get things done (my fraternity male co-counsel counterpart was less than helpful, but I did have a committee that helped a lot). My job was not the only one that was easy most of the time and then just jumped right into craziness, so the mascot for Panhel.lenic counsel was a duck and it applied so well at the time. We looked all smooth and calm and collected on the surface, but underneath we were paddling like hell just to stay afloat!!!
That is exactly how I feel once again. With work and infertility I feel like I am just struggling to keep my head above water. Now I don't mean sinking into depression or considering giving up, I just mean that I struggle to keep my cool, collected demeanor. I get irritated and irrational very easy. Whenever someone talks to me about what I've been up to lately, I just want to unload all the details. My mouth has no off switch. There is so much to remember between herbs and appointments and what not that it is always on my mind. I can sit and stare at fertility friend for hours and analyze my BBTs and compare them to similar ones on the website. I just assume that everyone else must be thinking about fertility too, maybe not my fertility, but just fertility in general. But just like anything else, they have their own lives and their own worries and they aren't thinking about me and my situation all the time, if ever. I have to remind myself of this sometimes.
My patient's will ask what I've been up to lately and I want to say "Well...I ovulated two days ago and am still pretty sure that I can't get knocked up naturally, so I'm waiting 2 more months until my doctor can do an IUI." I simply don't think my 80 year old patients care...and if they did, it would just be weird. I feel the same way about my co-workers, and although they might care because they sort of know what's going on, I don't think they need the nitty-gritty details. They may know I went to a Dr.'s appointment and likely what it was for, but I'm sure they don't want to hear "Well...at the last minute doc decided to swab my cervix to check my mucus so it was 'bottoms off and on the table' and before I knew it we were done and getting ready to schedule an IUI." I also realize that my friends, even the close ones are probably about done with hearing about it too. I find myself leaking details about my sex life and doctors appointments to friends who are either too polite to tell me I'm over-sharing, or are really good friends who listen and do care and genuinely want to help.
Overall, I really do feel like I'm still pulling it off, that I appear less frazzled than I am so....quack quack, consider me a duck...for now. Luckily no one's shooting at me or trying to eat me so I must be ok for now. But when the shit hits the fan, I'm hopeful that you guys will still care and hopefully want to hear (read) about it
Side note: Speaking of ducks, on a much less positive note I'm Just Ducky, Thanks found out after 12 weeks that both heartbeats were gone. Please stop over and show your support.