Surgery Woes

H had his consult with the urologist today for his Vericocele. I couldn't go. The appointment wasn't supposed to be until Oct. 31. Then last week, they moved it up to Oct. 3rd. Then this Monday, they moved it up to today, Friday. I can't get out of work without, at bare minimum, 2 weeks notice. I haven't taken a sick day in the 3+ years I've worked there.

He went, by himself, like a big kid.

He was texting me all morning telling me how slow they were running and that he still hadn't seen the doc at 9:45 for a 8:30 appointment. Then, when I finally had to go see my own patients, he texted me 5 times while he was trying to schedule the surgery for Vericocelectomy. I couldn't answer so he scheduled it on his own for next Thursday.

I have to work next Thursday...as usual. And can't get off work...as usual. But this time, it is impossible for me to get off. My boss has spent thousands of dollars on marketing for a seminar to get new patients in. I am the speaker for the seminar and several of the attendees have appointments with me afterwards, so there is the potential for many sales and no one to cover and no way to reschedule.

H could reschedule for the following Thursday, but I am already scheduled to go to Phoenix for training, plane tickets purchased, hotel reserved, and all monies paid (non-refundable, of course).

H made me feel really horrible for not being able to go with him for the surgery.

He reminded me of the fact that for the last 3 surgeries he has had while we've been together (two shoulder surgeries, and one major ankle surgery) I have not been able to go. But those were with the VA and he had no other choice of days. And he is a horrible sick guy, he is just miserable for the whole recovery. His dad had told me about his first shoulder surgery and offered to come take care of him.

He could do this surgery on a Tuesday, but doesn't want to miss the whole week of work and school.

If he doesn't get it done in the next 2 weeks, it could be a while before they can get him back in.

Luckily, his dad drives the 7-8 hour trip to take him and bring him back and stay for a day or two every time he needs surgery. He can come next Thursday.

But...I'm sure I'll never hear the end of this.

A different kind of two week wait

My receptionist "L", told me about her daughter "M" the other day. She came into my office and closed the door and told me M was pregnant. She did so out of the kindness of her heart so that I wouldn't be blindsided with the news. It was very kind and thoughtful of her to let me know. She knows of our struggles because she has to work with me to get my schedule straightened out for every doctor visit I have.

L had just found out that M was pregnant with her second child. When M gave birth to her first little girl she was was 17, in high school, and living with L still. M dropped out of high school and got her GED and is now living with her boyfriend, the father of her first child. M was just gearing up to start college classes this fall. Apparently, back in February of this year, M was weaning her daughter "R" from breastfeeding. R was about 1 year old. M was on low estrogen birth control and hadn't been having periods due to breastfeeding. M never switched to regular birth control.

About 2 weeks ago, M went to the doctor because she still wasn't having periods. It turns out she was pregnant *insert sigh here* and she didn't know it. She is now 18. She gave birth today to her second daughter. She now has 2 girls under the age of 2.

I thought for sure "I didn't know I was Preg.nant", the TV show couldn't happen to actual people. Granted, M had 2 weeks to prepare, it's sort of the same thing.

What I wouldn't give for that kind of fertility. Just call me Jealous.

Surprise Ovulation

So after all that happened last week, I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday on CD 18, 5 days late. OPK was positive on Friday and Saturday (CD 16 + 17) then my temperature rose today.

I don't know if this makes me more frustrated or less with this cycle.

I made no attempt to contact Lulu because it was the weekend and the office is essentially closed, although I do have her cell phone number. I felt uncomfortable with our odds this cycle and determined that we should save the cash and take this month off. However, H and I did try au naturale.

Now for some math:

I've been told that follicles grow about 2mm per day at that time during my cycle. If this is true, with most follicles at 10 mm on day 13, then 5 days later, my largest follicle would have been around 20mm at the time of ovulation, plenty large enough to contain a mature egg.

If this cycle lasts 28 days, my LP will be 10 days. My longest cycle (since I've been tracking) was 31 days, making my LP 13 days. However, my longest LP was 16 days. Regardless of how you look at it, I think it will be impossible to determine when to expect AF and if/when to test.

If AF doesn't show by October 10th, I'll test. That's H and I's second wedding anniversary, day 32 of this cycle and a 14 day LP.

Side note: We had a bunch of friends over for a BBQ yesterday. It was very relaxing. Maybe that'll help ;)

Perhaps I was a little short...

...in my last post.

I was and still am a little frustrated about this cycle.

I am currently on CD 16. If I had not had that U/S scan on Tuesday, I would believe ovulation to be imminent or at least I would be questioning my BBT charting skills thinking perhaps I had ovulated and missed it.  I guess I would also have to question my skills at urinating on a OPK sticks too as those haven't shown a positive either.

On Tuesday, I was to have my follicle scan immediately followed by by administration of the HCG shot to trigger ovulation (yes, they insist on administering the shot in office and I get to pay about $50 for them to do it, or at least my insurance does) and an IUI would have happened on Wednesday.

But that's not how it went.

I asked the U/S tech to give me my numbers while she measured them, as having that wand where it was and simply staring at the ceiling just feels awkward.

She looks at rightly and says "wow, we have a lot of follicles" as she measures them, I hear 10mm, 10mm, 8mm, 6mm, 4mm...

So I asked "there aren't any larger than that"

"Nope"

She looks with the wand at lefty now, and I'm sure that there will be a large one as lefty was the over-achiever last month, and she says "10mm, 10mm, 8mm, 6mm, 4mm..."

I ask "are you sure you didn't miss any bigger ones?"

"Nope" <-real talkative this one

When she's done, I am asked to go and wait in the waiting room for Lulu to call me back, but I think I know what she is going to say. I've figured out how this game works and knew my body wasn't playing by the pre-established rules. I had to have a follicle larger than 18mm to trigger.

Sure enough she calls me back only to tell me that she doesn't feel I will ovulate this cycle. She said that we can still do OPKs and timed intercourse, but that even then our odds are slim that I will actually develop a mature follicle that will release and be able to fertilize, and then because my body has been fairly regular at a 28 day cycle that I will not have a long enough luteal phase to support a pregnancy. I then felt obligated to tell her about my poor TSH levels, and she supports my decision to pursue an appointment with an endocrinologist as well as lowering my own dose of levothyroxine. I asked the rest of my questions and here are the answers.

No she does not want to prescribe progesterone supplements to support my luteal phase.

No there is nothing she wishes to give me to help my follicles develop at this point in my cycle.

I told her no, I can't simply call her with a positive OPK and repeat the U/S and do an IUI as I can't get out of work that last minute. Boss lady tells me I must basically be dieing to call in sick.

So the discussion turned to next cycle.

She debated the pros and cons of using ovulation stimulants and basically left it up to me. She leaned toward wanting to attempt another natural cycle. I would like to get this show on the road. So she prescribed me 50 mg of Clomid for CD 3-7 for next cycle to ensure ovulation. Because I do typically cycle naturally, I had to sign a waiver that I am drastically increasing my odds for multiples. Intercourse is forbidden after CD 10 of next cycle due to our increased odds for multiples.

Perhaps I will still ovulate this cycle, and since H has been making changes, maybe we will get pregnant naturally. I'm not counting on it, once again (and this is hard to type) but I'm looking forward to seeing AF so we can get a move on with things.
 

This is horse shit!!!

Just got done with my follicle scan. It's cd13 and I have 4 follicles at 10 mm, none larger than that. Tomorrow's IUI was cancelled as she believes this to be an anovulatory cycle. Probably from my TSH being so low.

Another month down the drain.

Sent from my iPhone

Believing in Infertility

I had a great trip this weekend. I went to Las Vegas for some training and H got to go with me. He was perfectly gracious to boss lady during the whole trip :D

Here are some highlights from the trip:

• Staying at Ceasa.r's Palace
• Free tickets to see "O" by Cir.que du S.oliel at the Belagi.o->It was fantastic, I've been waiting years to see one of their shows
• A new piece of luggage purchased with the initials LV (wink wink) all over it-> an early Christmas present
• A new purse with C's all over it (wink wink again)-> a late Birthday present
• Fantastic weather (although I barely spent any time outside)
• Having H with me on his first big Audiology trip

Here is a picture and a video from this weekend. They got Suzie Mc.Neil to perform. Apparently she is an up-and-coming music artist, but I'd never heard of her before. Regardless, she was very good and performed a lot of well known covers.

The very nice pool/s that I didn't get to swim in, but were just off our balcony

 Sorry, my video wouldn't upload, so sorry you don't get to see audiologists dance. This is the teaser video for the convention.

As H was with me for most of the weekend, each person we met and introduced ourselves to asked us if we had kids. Again and again and again and again we were asked this question.

One night, in a semi-drunken...ok, ok, definitely drunken...state, I finally said "we're infertile, we're trying, but having a hard time getting pregnant". Initially the girl gave me the "just relax" speech, as is expected. But then when I said we were seeking ART, she told me that she didn't believe in infertility. My drunken witty self was able to come up with the immediate response of "It's like gravity, just because you don't believe in it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist".  Unfortunately, this didn't end the conversation as I had hoped....she has 3 kids and can't be older than 30, and was drunk as well (can you blame her) what did I expect?

Side note: H's Urology consult got moved up to Oct. 3rd <-Yay

Second Side note: My U/S is tomorrow and IUI is Wednesday, wish me good luck!

Ups and Downs

Just as IF has it's ups and downs, apparently so does my thyroid.

I, out of pure coincidence, had been thinking about having my TSH checked again found an order to have my TSH checked that was to be completed in August. I went two weeks ago to have the blood draw and then (thinking it insignificant) forgot to check up on the results. As I no longer plan to see the Doc who gave me the order, I never heard from him about the results.

Yesterday, I remembered having had the blood drawn and requested a copy of the results.

Not good...not good at all.

My TSH (after having been 8.0 followed by 5.0) had been down to 1.7, well within an appropriate range while TTC.

Yesterday it was <0.01!!!!!!

Essentially 0!!! Extreme Hyperthyroidism.

This lab says anything between 0.35 and 3.5 is normal.

There were explanation points and footnotes all over the results.

I decided (after consulting the doc I work for) that I need to take a trip over to the local endocrynologist. I have yet to make an appointment. I also decided to lower my own dose of Synthroid to a previous prescription.

Could it be that I never actually had hypothyroidism? Could it be that I am overdosing myself with Synthroid? Could it be that there is actually some larger problem looming in the shadows????

I don't know, but I'm hoping for the best, meaning off these meds altogether.

Worst case scenerio...My thyroid has some major problems and I have to use radioactive iodine to kill it (no joke, this is a real thing). This would mean no pregnancy allowed in the next 6-12 months.

I'm going to forget that this happened and pretend like everything is normal until further notice.

Expensive distractions

So our fridge exploded this morning...well maybe it was just the water filter.

The fan in the fridge broke this weekend. I attempted to repair it, but then decided we needed to hire someone so that I didn't electrocute myself, so we did. But because he is waiting for a part he left the adjustment mechanism detached partway allowing the coolness from the freezer to get into the fridge. Many bottles of water and other things were frozen yesterday. However, I heard a loud crack as I was waking up but didn't know what it was. We soon found out that the water filter in the fridge that filters the water for the door dispenser had frozen and the plastic casing around it cracked off.

So, in addition to whatever we are paying the repair man to fix the fan, I just spent $50 to order a piece of plastic to fix the new problem. Hopefully both parts get here soon and it gets fixed so that the filter doesn't unfreeze and start spewing water in the fridge. I probably did save some money by ordering the part myself instead of calling the repair man again.

In addition to the fridge, we hired some landscapers to put in an additional garden bed for next summer and to pour concrete an area between our house and our neighbor's house. They did the work in a day and a half, man they're quick!!! I'm excited for next summer already as the new garden is twice the size of the one we have.

We also have someone coming to replace the shower in our master bathroom, it's small and gross even though the house is only 4 years old, they way that it is installed makes it impossible to clean. I'm not sure when this will be happening, but probably soon.

I guess I can consider myself lucky to have distractions while I wait for my next appointment. I was just hoping for free distractions...you know, a good movie on TV or working on another craft project around the house, maybe knitting a little bit.

Weekends

I've had some fabulous weekends recently and keep meaning to post about them. 

This past weekend, Mary's little girl Junebug turned two. Mary had a little party for her and made ice cream cone cupcakes and all the kids got to make a little painting to take home. Everyone had fun. I mean, how much party does a 2 year old really need. After a little while, I wasn't able to help do anything and felt out of place being without a kid to wrangle and without a husband to talk to (he didn't want to come and was out of town for the morning). Also, a couple of the kids were running crazy and torturing Mary's cat and in general, just being obnoxious. So I decided to leave a little early.

A frosting mustache...just as it should be on a birthday for a 2 year old

Awfully neat for a 2 year old, don't you think? I mean she used the brushes and everything!

That night the local Zoo (yes, a town of 30,000 has a little zoo) had a gathering for local military families. They had blow up bouncy houses and slides, McGruff the dog and Smokey the bear were there and there was food. There were a few other activities that we didn't really even get around to.  The best part was that it was free. Mary asked me to come to help keep an eye on her kids (single mom, two kids=not enough hands sometimes) but I had a great time myself and got in free too with my military ID. It was great weather and crowded, but not too much so. All the kids from the party earlier met up at the zoo. With more space to run, the obnoxious kids didn't seem as bad.

I rounded out the weekend by having a couple over to our house for dinner last night. A military couple, without kids....who could have imagined that?!?!!? I felt a little more even-keeled with adults around after having spent the whole previous day around kids. H's friend was in the same shop as him when H was still enlisted. His friend dating a new girl and we hadn't seen him in a while. So we invited them over. I made burgers and a mexican layered dip. Yum, Yum, it was good! After dinner, we sat in the backyard and continued to enjoy the nice weather and a few beers. The girlfriend and I have been instructed by the boys to be friends so that they can go do boy things like hunting and whatnot together and leave us girls behind, I guess to tend to the house and non-existant children!

I went to bed early to rest up for this week. I'm in Roswell for work today (a two hour drive). And H and I are headed to Las Vegas on Thursday afternoon. I have to go for training and a big convention and my boss asked if H would like to come. I would have had a room to myself, so why not? Then Boss Lady said that she would pay for his flight and for him to attend Cirque du Soliel with the group. Needless to say we took her up on the offer. I hope that H acts grateful as I have asked him to be.

Ms. Suzie Homemaker Wannabe

Sometimes...I wish I were a stay at home mom. My mom was, why wouldn't I be?

I'm crafty and creative. I like to cook, clean, sew, garden, knit. I could do it! I would be good at it!

Well, my parents had bigger dreams for me. There was never any question that I would go to college. They didn't go to college, but for sure I would. Then, in college, I picked a career that I knew full well would require graduate school. I didn't study particularly hard, it was just sort of easy for me. Don't get me wrong, I was in a sorority, I partied, got drunk, skipped classes, etc, etc etc, but it was the normal college stuff. I also worked several jobs, took leadership roles in my sorority, volunteered, went to the library, and made good contacts with my professors. Then I got into the best graduate school in the nation for the field I was studying, by what I can only assume was sort of luck (ok ok ok, I do test well and I did get good grades and I do interview well-I know I can be a bit of an over achiever) but it just sort of came easy to me, "fell into my lap" if you will. Then I found an internship that I knew no one else wanted and figured I'd stay for that year. How ironic is it that I met H here and we got married after I graduated. He couldn't leave because of the military so we stayed. I was hired where I had my internship. I work hard and sometimes long hours and have to travel sometimes, but, ultimately, I like what I do. I'm good at it. I get a reasonable amount of vacation and time off. I get sent on trips around the country for training. It's easy for me because of these things. My boss told me the other day that I'd never get a raise. Not because I don't deserve it, but because if she did, then I'd make more then her. I'm not at a standstill though because I work partially on commission, I work harder and I get paid more.

I got dealt a good hand in my life and I know it

I'm lucky and I know it

I'm blessed and I know it

Things are good, easy, and we are well off and I know it.

I try not to be a boastful, snotty, rub-it-in-your-face type of person. But sometimes I know it is obvious to others that my life affords me the ability to be a tree-loving, granola crunching, nice car driving, jewelry wearing, 5 dog loving...still coupon clipping, penny pinching, cook at home, money saving...person.

But I still wish I could just stay at home and raise kids. The kids I don't yet have.

Maybe infertility is some sort of karma, payback, or retribution for how good I've had it so far. I know infertiles hate to think of it that way, but I'm sure other people see it that way for me. Of course, I sometimes think maybe if I "just relax", this will come easy too. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. On the other side of it, maybe everything has been so easy up to now so that we can afford to do these treatments and any future treatments we might require or adoption. I know infertility isn't meant to be a lesson, but it sure feels like it sometimes and I think of it that way sometimes.

...well this post has taken a turn away from what I originally meant to post, so I better wrap it up here.

Initially, I just wanted to show you guys the scarf I finished knitting and ugly pumpkin that I slaughtered.  That's where the title came from. So if you skipped the nonsense above and just looked at the pictures, I don't blame you.

Anthropologie inspired knitted scarflett (worn with pj's for the picture) pattern found online

Ugly pumpkin found at local farmer's market prior to slaughter

It had giant seeds!!!

Pumpkin mash, after being cooked

I made it into Pumpkin Cheesecake!!!!...it was good! e-mail me for the recipe

Side note: After another round of phone tag with the clinic, my next US and IUI are scheduled for 9/20 and 9/21.

Locavore-ing it up

I'm a bit of a locavore. If you've never heard of this, it's a relatively new word meaning that I buy and consume local products and produce from local stores and farmer's markets rather than chain stores as much as possible.

Although my tolerance for alcohol is very reduced since basically cutting it out completely since TTC I do enjoy the occasionally beer. In fact CD1 brings out the alcoholic in me some months.

I started spotting last night after work.

If you've never seen it before, I'll be the first to introduce you to "Roswe.ll Al.ien Ale".

I'm without makeup, but very excited to indulge!

Alien Bottle Caps

Sierra Blanca Brewery is within 100 miles of where we live and brews this beer (along with a few others). It's one of my favorites and is an amber ale with a lot of flavor. In fact, H and I like it so much we had a keg of it at our rehearsal dinner prior to our wedding.  

If you ever make it to New Mexico, you have to look for it. All the grocery stores in southern New Mexico carry it.

In my head...

 ...I write a blog post every day. I discuss the ups and downs of my day and how it affects my life, not just my infertility. Sometimes I narrate the expected comments as well (that part's weird, I know). It's my own little conversation and it makes me feel better even if I never get on here to get my thoughts out.

I see something funny and think about taking a picture and posting it, but I look down and I don't have my phone or can't get it out quickly enough to capture the image.

I hear something funny and think about repeating it on here, but then I forget.

I confuse myself about what I should post. Do I want this to be more of a diary or should I keep my posts limited to just infertility issues.

When I do sit down to write, I have tons to say and no logical, orderly way to say it and get it out. Therefore, I end up writing a partial post about what I'm thinking and leave many ideas out.

I'm thinking about doing a nablopo month just to see if I can actually do a post everyday. I don't see why I couldn't, I end up checking blogger just about everyday, in fact, often multiple times a day to see what you guys have to say.

I guess I'm just saying all of this to get to the point that I'm going to try to post more often and with more pictures.

No bun in this oven...

 ...back to the baker

I'm now 15 dpIUI and BFN yesterday and today and my temp dropped this morning. No AF just yet but as soon as she shows, I'll call to set up IUI #2.

I had hoped that it would work out a different way, but was sort of expecting this. I'm mostly feeling annoyed and a little frustrated, but not absolutely devastated.

But I am feeling upbeat about this next cycle, H has made some changes and has agreed to pursue a vericocelectomy if IUI #2 is a bust. He had been waiting to do so to see if the VA would accept his claim for coverage as the vericocele were discovered while he was in the Air Force, but they have yet to come through and there are hundreds of people ahead of him waiting to get their claims processed. We will use his current insurance and pay what is needed out of pocket and hope for reimbursement (yeah right) at a later date.